Big ASS crab story time

[cassyblue]

Growing up in South Florida, I encountered a lot of interesting wildlife from gators to land crabs. Now, land crabs are BIG ASS crabs that migrate en masse to the ocean from wherever their holes are. In the past few years there hasn’t been big land crab migrations. But when I was little, they would just come out all over and people would come with buckets and scoop them (Free Crab Meat yolo). Now the thing is land crabs are big ass crabs which means they have big ass pinchers. Their pinchers are strong enough to pop a tire.

The crabs waiting to take out a car. 

when I said they were big, I wasn’t kidding. This one is a pretty impressive big ass crab:

So if you know anything about me, I just had to catch one of the fuckers. When you’re 8 you dont really have a lot of sense your head about grabbing things. I was the catcher of lizards, the annoyer of frogs, the grabber of snakes. 

Now the thing about land crabs is that they are not very bright. They would get into the garage and not figure out how to get out and die and STINK to high hell. One time one got into the house THROUGH the garage and my mother chased it with a broom while my sister (3 at the time) stood on the chair screaming at the top of her lungs. 

HALP, we’re stuck in a corner we don’t know what to do besides snip snip. 

So to catch a land crab, I simply had to get it backed into a corner which required watching and waiting for a victim. There was plenty of potential victims, but they escaped me chasing them. Then one day, I managed to scoot one into the corner of the patio where it couldn’t get away. Now, one simply does not grab the crab from the front because you will get snipped and these bastards can latch on and not let go. I grabbed it from the back and shoved into a bait bucket my dad let me use to keep lizards in. 

Now you see, the bait bucket was one of these. 

And the deal with these bait buckets is that the black door OPENS such that the black door GOES INTO THE BUCKET. So I have this PISSED off land crab that’s almost half the size of the bait bucket. I realize. I can’t get it out. Oh fuck I can’t get it out. So I go tell my mom that I caught a land crab. My mom was like How did you catch that? I was like I grabbed it. My mom is like, ok, where is the crab. I show the bait bucket. My mom is like, sorry I’m not reaching in there. 

So out of help on that front. I started to try to scoot the crab around so it would stop wedging itself behind the door with a stick. Eventually, I managed to get it into the bottom of the bucket. Land crabs climb btw so yeah it was trying to get to the top. 

I shove the black door back. 

and then…

I shake the bucket as violently as I can until the crab flies out and is momentarily stunned. Then it runs away. After that, I never tried to catch another land crab. Not even to scoot into a bucket to get out of the garage. The push broom was reserved for removing le crabs. 

Comments

[vass]

*reads title of post*
*stops to think about it*
*decides am brave enough to find out the hard way whether the "ass" in that sentence belongs to "big" or to "crab"*
*is more or less relieved to discover that they are big-ass crabs, not big ass-crabs*

That last photo tho. They certainly are big.

The crabs waiting to take out a car.

And people say we have terrifying wildlife.

one simply does not grab the crab

No. One might, however, end up saying "grab the crab" over and over again because it's fun to say.

That is a beautiful story. You just reminded me about Ursula Vernon's lawn crayfish saga. (Do you have those in Florida? She's in North Carolina.)

When I was ten I tried to keep yabbies[*] as pets. Yabbies being a lot smaller than crabs, I just went to the pond in Royal Park with a bucket, picked some up, and brought them home then totally failed to look after them properly. :( Eventually my parents convinced me to release them.

[* Cherax destructor, which is a great species name. The ones in that picture are prettier than the ones I caught, which were a boring greenish-brown.]

[cassyblue]

There are lawn crayfish in florida, but not in the area where I grew up. It's more of a north florida things. Yabbies are something that if I had lived in Australia, I would have been all over (my family almost moved moved to Australia because of my dad getting a big job offer).

so ass crabs. Yes. I totally get that. I have uuuuh had some unfortunate experiences being a assistant at the insect collection with people bringing things and being like...what is this...i found it on me...

[vass]

Yabbies are something that if I had lived in Australia, I would have been all over

Lots of bugs and buglike things you could have collected here. But there seems to be no shortage of that where you are either.

I have uuuuh had some unfortunate experiences being a assistant at the insect collection with people bringing things and being like...what is this...i found it on me...

Nooooooo

[cassyblue]

Well in Colorado there is less during the winter, but its fun because I don't know westren us insects that well so everytime I go out there's something new.

[friendlyrobotpal]

I remember these from the one year I lived in Florida as a 10-year-old.... my tiny northern European self had never experienced anything as exciting in nature as an entire road blanketed by crabs, one of my parents getting out to shoo them away so the other could drive on. If I had lived there longer I would definitely have tried to catch them constantly, like I did with snails and bugs back home.

[cassyblue]

I'm sure the lizards were really exciting then

[bluebaron]

holy shit. I've never been alarmed by crabs before but now I am. Rad fucking post, Erin, I'm glad you survived.

[cassyblue]

haha arthropods are just like that

[venndaai]

Now I'm going to have nightmares about driving in Florida.

[cassyblue]

It's only like for three days in the spring. So its not really a big deal.